Valentine's Day Jokes
For jokes about Valentine's Day, prepare to chuckle...
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid?
He was totally bow-gus!
DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
What did one oar say to the other?
"Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a Valentine?"
The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.
"Why Osama?" his father asks in disbelief.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot him."
IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear?
Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!
What happened when the two angels got married?
They lived harpily ever after!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Alec.
Alec who?
Alec to kiss your face!
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Kisses.
Kisses who?
Kisses your valentine speaking!
NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?
Rugs and kisses!
What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Uggs and kisses!
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and Kisses!
What happened when the two tennis players met?
It was Love at first sight!
LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Boy: "Really?"
Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?"
"I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
What would you get if you crossed Cupid with a meat and vegetable dish?
Stewpid!
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?
Because you can really party hearty!
SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
What did one calculator say to the other?
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!"
"I often think about you, How about you?"
"Yes, I often think about me, too."
EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
What did one piece of string say to the other?
"Be my valentwine!"
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
What did one monster say to the other?
"Be my valenslime!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a Valenshine!
What did one bell say to the other?
"Be my valenchime!"
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"
What did one fir tree say to the other?
"Be my valenpine!"
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the Valentine's he was sending?
Because they needed to be ad-dressed!
What is the most romantic city in England?
Loverpool!
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
Then there was the guy who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine's Day.
So he took her to a baseball park!
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."
FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love?
A stupid Cupid!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
What's red and white and swims in the ocean?
A valentine cod!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "How much? £500?"
INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
Four-year-old David loved chocolate almost as much as his Mum Susan did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later David was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Susan said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of chocolate. "Now I can eat them all!"
